Not exactly my Final Fantasy!!!

by Duane Beckett

Is this a joke? Surely £39.95 for this is about £40 too much... They should offer me five pence just to pick the case up and put it back down; I wouldn’t have taken the five pence out of pride! I would have shaken my head with a dissatisfied look, curled across my brow and then marched to freedom.

Only if I knew that all review sites gave the game solid scores out of sympathy for past triumphs!

Yet in this not so perfect world I bit the bullet and purchased Final Fantasy 13. Was it because of hype ? Probably! I guess the reviewer’s words that stated the title was a ‘sixty hour epic onslaught” intrigued me. Yet, this isn’t epic. Not in the slightest!

From the first moments in game to the last time I forced myself to play, I just felt sad. This was once the most amazing IP in the gaming universe! Yet it can’t compete against even average games (for me at least). For example I found myself returning to Quantum of Solace on the PS3 just to avoid playing Final Fantasy 13. I was making up excuses in my head to avoid playing it; “Ah well, I need to complete Quantum first, I’ve had it for several months!”

Ok so I’ve hit it enough with my hate stick, I should explain why I hate it so much. The game play SUCKS, the dialogue SUCKS, character advancement SUCKS, combat SUCKS and mostly for a character driven game, the characters SUCK! Oh and I forgot, the environments are BAD! It was more on rails than Panzer Dragoon (an on-rails shooter)!

The game play sucked because I repeated the same actions throughout the forced 10 hours of game play I experienced (yes I tried to like it, I tried my damn pants off). Could I do things differently? Nope! The environment had me on a fixed course and enemies would do the same things, and I would need to do the same things to get past the same things the enemies did (and breathe).

The moments the game play didn’t suck was when cut scenes started, but unfortunately the dialogue in them sucked HARD! At one point I felt my soul trying to escape through my nostrils; it almost gave up on existing in this fleshy vessel! How can this be an epic character-driven game when the dialogue, the essence of the characters was so horrible? Even the most hardened Final Fantasy fan must admit the dialogue was horrendous, if not you would love some of the new films Steven Seagal is in... The dialogue sucks, buts that’s clearly what you’re after in your entertainment!

As this is a blog, I should end now, but if you haven’t purchased Final Fantasy 13, well done. If you have and enjoy it, well done more! I couldn’t pretend to like something for nostalgic reasons; I’ve done it countless times with Halo and Rare! (and breathe)

Introducing: Duane Beckett!

Greetings from Duane! by MYescape

BIOGRAPHICAL STUFF


What nicknames did you have growing up? Chunk or Becks. It became Becks as I lost the ability to do the truffle shuffle (aka Chunk from the Goonies)

What is one of your favorite birthday memories? I can’t think of any. That is pretty sad in all honesty… Although the later years have probably been blocked out from obsessive drinking.


What was the name of your primary school? Stow Heath Junior School.

What was your favorite subject as a child? Why? None, I hated school although my primary school English teacher use to enjoy my flights of fantasy in regards to my stories.


GEEKY STUFF


How many games do you own? No idea, I have around 30 in front of my but that doesn’t even come close to what I own or owned.

What’s the largest game design document you’ve completed for a project? A funded project, probably around 150 pages (only casual games). My OWN largest project is for an MMORPG that’s around 600 pages covered eight documents I think. That does not include quests.


Do you prefer games on PC or console? I feel more creativity is going on in the PC casual market than anywhere else, but I’ll say consoles… for now!


What constitutes a great game for you? The feeling that I don’t want to put the pad down.


Have you ever waited in line for more than half hour for something geeky? What was it? Just one thing? The first that springs to mind was the Gamecube… Oh and the first Xbox… Oh and… No that’s enough hehe.


LOCAL FLAVOR STUFF


Where’s the best placed to have meat in England? Meat? What? Erm, meat? Lol. Pass.

Where do you prefer to buy your clothing? Online stores, I’m not one for cloth shopping in actual stores… Changing rooms and the crazies where I live don’t go together well lol.


What time of the year has the best weather? Autumn or winter. I like the colour or Autumn but the smile winter puts on my daughters face.


Please name a business in the area that has a funny name. SHAAT clothing store


What’s the traffic like where you live? It’s not so bad, until you get on the roads.


GAMING STUFF


What is your earliest gaming memory? A submarine attack game which was basically blocks shooting at other blocks, which you played on a block while holding a block controller. Thank god for design.


Have you ever thrown and/or broken a controller in a fit of rage? Yes, three times a month at least.


What game had you built up the most hype about in your head but failed to meet your expectations? Where do I start? Metal Gear Solid 4 killed me, you watch more than you play and people had the cheek to complain about Heavy Rain? Oh halo 3 sucked too.


What’s the longest gaming session you’ve ever had? Probably back in my world of please lord put me downcraft days. That game is like cocaine for the casual gaming generation. I can’t say how long it was but it probably shaved the minutes to two days (40+ hours).


Which do you prefer: games that require leveling up or pure attribute increases? I prefer a game that gets me involved. I don’t mind the manner in which it does that, so the system behind advancement is not important to me. Heck I don’t mind if there is no advancement.


UNRELATED STUFF


If you were a spy, what would be your codename? RickyGoVicky… People may see why in the future.


For how long do you think Matthew McConaughey could hold his breath? Do you think he would be good at acting as if he were holding his breath? He’s not good at acting! So if that was reversed, he simply cannot stop exhaling he is that bad.


Please list five words beginning with the letters “pr” that describe you. Prick, Prat… I only know those words beginning with pr… I’m definitely not proud or private… Oh can I slip an I inbetween them and be a pirate… Ooooh haaaa me hearties!!!!


If you were a hybrid animal, what would you be? Part fish, part duck. I would be a fu…… No hang on lol. Part chimp who has been experimenting with mind altering substances and part chimp who has been experimenting with mind altering substances… hehe


In five minutes, using only your mouse and Microsoft Paint, draw your best version of you as that animal.